Seek First to Understand Then to be Understood

Communication is the most important skill in life. You spend years learning how to read, write, and speak. But what about listening? What training have you had that enables you to listen so you really, deeply understand another human being? Probably none, right?

If you’re like most people, you probably seek first to be understood; you want to get your point across. In doing so, you may ignore the other person completely, pretend that you’re listening, selectively hear only certain parts of the conversation or attentively focus on only the words being said, but miss the meaning entirely. So why does this happen?

Because most people listen with the intent to reply, not to understand. You listen to yourself as you prepare in your mind what you are going to say, the questions you are going to ask, etc. You filter everything you hear through your life experiences, your frame of reference. You check what you hear against your autobiography and see how it measures up. Consequently, you decide prematurely what the other person means before they finish communicating. Do any of the following sound familiar?

You might be saying, “Hey, wait a minute. I’m just trying to relate to the person by drawing on my own experiences. Is that so bad?” In some situations, autobiographical responses may be appropriate, such as when another person specifically asks for help from your point of view or when there is already a very high level of trust in the relationship.

Seek first to understand, then to be understood.

The essence of this habit is a temperament that favors curiosity, open-mindedness, empathy, and patience — all rolled into one. In order to really seek to understand, you cannot have already judged a person or situation. You need to develop a desire to understand — meaning a desire to see things from others’ point of view, to see their reasons, and feel what they feel.

The great thing about this habit is that it not only makes you a better friend, co-worker, and partner to those around you, it provides tremendous benefits to you as well. Here are but a few that I have found, as I try to employ the strategy of seeking first to understand.

Habits of highly effective people. It's critical: Seek first to understand, then to be understood.

Seeking real understanding affirms the other person and what they have to say. That's what they want. That's what we all want — to be understood, valued and affirmed.

What if you seek to understand but others don't? Two things come to mind. One person truly listening is generally better than none. More important, one person listening generally leads to two people listening. Let’s be honest, if I honor you with my ears, you’ll be more likely to reciprocate. Others learn the habit through our example.

Do you want to be a better leader, salesperson, parent, spouse or friend? Be a better listener. Let’s avoid the habit of collective monologue by really listening — with the intent of understanding, appreciating, and affirming.

The ability to hear is a gift. The willingness to listen is a choice.