To Be Self-Determined: Creating More Self-Determined Lives

Have you ever noticed that you feel more motivated when you are empowered to make your own choices? That's the idea behind self-determination theory,

Self-determination refers to a person's ability to make choices and manage their own life. Being self-determined means that you feel in greater control, as opposed to being non-self-determined, which can leave you feeling that others control your life.

According to self-determination theory, three innate (and universal) psychological needs motivate people to grow and change. The concept of intrinsic motivation, or engaging in activities for the inherent reward of the behavior itself, plays an important role in this theory.

Self-determination is an important concept in psychology since it affects psychological health and well-being. Promoting self-determination is also an emerging best practice when working with certain populations, such as individuals with intellectual disabilities.

Self-determination theory seeks to explain how being self-determined impacts motivation—that people feel more motivated to take action when they think that what they do will have an effect on the outcome. Learn more about how this theory works, as well as what you can do to improve your self-determination skills.

Self-determination theory suggests that people can become self-determined when their needs for competence, connection, and autonomy are fulfilled.

Self-determination theory grew out of the work of psychologists Edward Deci and Richard Ryan, who first introduced their ideas in their 1985 book Self-Determination and Intrinsic Motivation in Human Behavior. They developed a theory of motivation that suggests people tend to be driven by a need to grow and gain fulfillment.

Further studies on self-determination theory and autonomy psychology prove that relatedness, competence, and autonomous motivation are key to mental well-being for all kinds of people.

A study by Michael L. Wehmeyer, a special education professor, director, and senior scientist at the University of Kansas, found that self-determination is critical for the overall quality of life experienced by those with developmental disabilities.

Psychologists Richard Koestner and Renee Landry discovered that children with a sense of autonomy over decision-making were more motivated to develop positive social behaviors.

Additionally, developing strong self-determination can result in the following benefits:

• Greater needs satisfaction
• Improved psychological health
• Empowerment at work
• Increased positive emotions
• Decreased negative emotions
• Positive affect in daily interactions
• Better academic performance
• Improved self-advocacy
• Reduced decision fatigue

Self-determination in relationships allows you to maintain autonomy and boundaries. It also facilitates openness and agreement.

A study led by C. Raymond Knee, Ph.D., a professor at the University of Houston’s Department of Psychology, found that self-determined reasons for being in a relationship predicted better relationship satisfaction, deeper understanding, and less defensive behavior.

It found self-determination led partners to behave based on reflection rather than reaction. For example, they may surprise their partner with lunch because they enjoy spending time together (intrinsic motivation) but not because they fear being seen as a “bad partner” (social obligation).

When one partner is interested in the other’s preferences and perspectives, the recipient likely feels more autonomy, more cared for, and more valuable. This, in turn, supports the providing partner’s well-being.

Basing professional goals on intrinsic motivations can improve well-being at work. The self-determination aspects of autonomy, competency, and relatedness can help you understand how motivated you are at work.

• Autonomy: Feeling you have control over your work and how you do it increases motivation and investment.
• Competency: Meeting your work goals boosts confidence, engagement, and productivity.
• Relatedness: Feeling connected to colleagues improves employee retention and mental health.

Studies by the Future of Work Institute in Australia show managers can support employees’ self-determination through charismatic or inspirational leadership. The research also revealed that this type of leadership can encourage proactive work.

More transactional leadership styles might better support self-determination during crises. Deci, Ryan, and James P. Connell discovered that a manager’s support for employee self-determination wasn’t enough to keep satisfaction and well-being high during organizational crises. This was especially true if those crises threatened pay and job security.

Setting person-centered goals fosters a sense of ownership and responsibility for your choices and actions, writes Keri Giacomini, a licensed clinical social worker. The feeling of autonomy over what you do to work toward achievements can also improve your chances of accomplishing goals.

A study on long-term weight loss by the Technical University of Lisbon, Portugal, suggests that when people feel competent and autonomous about reaching their weight-loss goals, they’re more likely to see long-term success.

Self-determination can also create self-fulfilling prophecies regarding achievement. Assefa Degebas, a professor of psychology at Wollega University in Ethiopia, found that self-determination positively influences achieving life goals. In short, accomplishing your life goals improves your self-determination thanks to a boost in self-efficacy.

Self-determination theory can be helpful in understanding what might motivate your behaviors. Being self-determined, feeling like you have the autonomy and freedom to make choices that shape your destiny, is important for each person's well-being.

When you pursue things that are intrinsically motivated and aligned with your goals, you will feel happier and more capable of making good choices.

Listen to Your Gut Instinct & Intuition

Learn to trust yourself and kick self-doubt to the curb.

“The intuitive mind is where our genius resides.” ~ A. Artemis

Has anyone ever chided you for making decisions based on gut instinct? In today’s technological world, isn’t it an asset to be more logical, more analytical? Perhaps you feel stuck at times between following your head or your heart, because you don’t trust yourself to make the right decision. Actually, I don’t think success is dependent on being one way or the other. As complex humans, we use both! They complement each other. Never would you want to silence one of your greatest strengths – your inner voice, your sixth sense, your gut, your intuition.

While many people think intuition is only the result of the brain drawing on past experiences and external cues to make a decision on an unconscious level, there’s more going on than that. There are neurotransmitters in your actual gut that send signals to your brain. They respond to real-time environmental stimuli and emotions. When those neurotransmitters fire you feel sensations of uneasiness. Scientists are calling the gut our second brain. You can know something, without knowing how you know it. You just have to learn to trust yourself!

We often speak of women’s intuition, but men can be powerfully intuitive too. Everyone can increase their intuition or gut instinct.

Clearing the clutter of mental or external noise is one of the best ways to tap into our intuition easier. Spending time in solitude or in meditation can be profound in helping us better pick up on our inner guidance.

When we're constantly being influenced by others, what we see/hear, others' opinions or what others might think, the "shoulds" that we feel, or the general busyness of our daily lives, it makes it harder for us to pay attention to what truly feels best for us. By getting quiet and spending time alone we can better tune into our needs and intuition, free of distraction.

Practice paying attention to your Initial split-second gut reaction when being faced with a set of decisions.

To practice this now, take a moment to think about a decision you're trying to make. Remove all thoughts or analyses about them, and just focus on the feeling of when you weigh your options. You can try flipping a coin to see what that split-second moment feels like.

Generally, when something feels right, there's a pull toward it, an openness, lightness, or senes of excitement. When something doesn't feel right, you may feel a sense of contraction, resistance, dread, or pulling back. You can ask yourself: which choice feels relieving, liberating, calming, or exciting? Which one feels heavy or uncomfortable? Your initial reaction can give you lots of insight into what might be best for you.

Tuning into these feelings will help you familiarize yourself with your “gut feelings” or intuition.

The brain and body are intricately connected. When we feel a certain way mentally or emotionally, our physical body responds accordingly thanks to the connections in our nervous system. For example, if something feels wrong, you may hunch your shoulders, feel a heaviness in your chest or feel sick to your stomach, or you may have a concerned facial expression. Likewise, if something feels good, you may be smiling while talking about it or feel a sense of lightness and opennness in your body, even if there's a bit of nervousness about it.

This is where some people get confused by fear vs. intuition. To help distinguish between the two, I invite you to think about it this way: how would you feel AFTER the decision is all said and done, either immediately, after a few weeks, or even months later? Do you have a sense of relief, pride, joy, or confidence? Or does it make you feel sad, regretful, or disappointed?

Fear can typically be overcome. We can push through fears, learn new skills, and improve confidence. But intuition typically lingers by giving us a nagging feeling that something isn't right, even after we've made a decision.

Sometimes using our conscious, analytical mind can be helpful to pave the way for our intuition to shine through. Here are a few questions you can ask yourself if you're trying to make a decision or weighing a few options in your life right now. Grab a journal and write these out:

1. What is the ultimate outcome I want? What is most important when it comes to this area of my life?
2. What are the pros, cons, and worst case scenarios for each option?
3. Are my fears (worst case scenarios) realistic or imaginary? Often we are afraid of outcomes that aren’t even likely, let alone realistic. This can drown out your intuition. Ask yourself if your fears are deep-seated insecurities disguised as convincing truths.

I have found writing in a journal to be an incredible method for tuning into my intuition.

Acting as a safe space to release emotions, work through problems, and process my thoughts, it can allow for greater self-discovery and understanding.

Next time you are having difficulty making a decision, pick up a pen and some paper and let the words flow out of you. Reflect on the situation, explore those feelings, and consider the bigger picture.

This free-flowing use of personal writing can be a wonderful catalyst for removing blocks and letting your intuitive voice lead the way. Just let the words pour out of you.

The intuitive voice is a powerful one, but it often needs a quiet, calm, reflective environment to find its way.

Learn where you can find some peace, go there when times are hard, and listen with all your might to what your heart and soul are telling you.

Your intuition wants to guide and support you. So give it the space to be heard.

Uncovering Your Life's Purpose

Many of the people I know seem to have a deep sense of purpose. Whether working for racial justice, teaching children to read, making inspiring art, or collecting donations of masks and face shields for hospitals during the pandemic, they’ve found ways to blend their passion, talents, and care for the world in a way that infuses their lives with meaning.

Luckily for them, having a purpose in life is associated with all kinds of benefits. Research suggests that purpose is tied to having better health, longevity, and even economic success. It feels good to have a sense of purpose, knowing that you are using your skills to help others in a way that matters to you.

But how do you go about finding your purpose if it’s not obvious to you? Is it something you develop naturally over the course of a lifetime? Or are there steps you can take to encourage more purpose in your life?


Likely both, says Kendall Bronk, a researcher who directs the Adolescent Moral Development Lab at Claremont Graduate University. People can find a sense of purpose organically—or through deliberate exercises and self-reflection. Sometimes, just having someone talk to you about what matters to you makes you think more intentionally about your life and your purpose, says Bronk.

In her work with adolescents, she’s found that some teens find purpose after experiencing hardship. Maybe a kid who has experienced racism decides to become a civil rights advocate. Or one who’s suffered severe illness decides to study medicine. Of course, experiences like poverty and illness are extremely hard to overcome without help from others. But Bronk’s research suggests that having a supportive social network—caring family members, like-minded friends, or mentors, for example—helps youth to reframe hardship as a challenge they can play a role in changing for the better. That might be true of adults, too.

While hardship can lead to purpose, most people probably find purpose in a more meandering way, says Bronk—through a combination of education, experience, and self-reflection, often helped along by encouragement from others. But finding your purpose can be jump-started, too, given the right tools. In a paper titled “Fostering Purpose Among Young Adults,” she and her colleagues found that exercises aimed at uncovering your values, interests, and skills, as well as practicing positive emotions like gratitude, can help point you toward your purpose in life.

Finding your purpose is a deeply individual journey of uncovering what drives you and makes you feel alive. It extends beyond career aspirations or social achievements to personal fulfillment and intentional living. Living with purpose means aligning your actions, decisions, and life paths with your core values and aspirations.

The essence of finding purpose is beautifully described in the Japanese concept of ikigai, which translates to finding joy through purpose. It encapsulates the satisfaction and fulfillment we find in doing what we love. It’s when what you love, what you’re good at, what the world needs, and what you can be paid for all intersect.

Don’t get overwhelmed by the idea of finding your one true purpose. You don’t need to have it all figured out. Purpose isn’t a fixed entity but continuously evolving and changing as we grow, learn, and experience life. Your purpose today might shift tomorrow, and that’s perfectly okay. It’s about living intentionally, discovering what inspires you, and continuously evolving.

Recognizing when you’ve found your purpose can feel like finally seeing the sun break through the clouds after a long, gray day. It’s a moment of realization and clarity where everything seems to fall into place, and the world feels just “right”.

Finding your purpose gives you a profound feeling of contentment, satisfaction, and a boost of self-esteem. It’s where what you do and who you are seamlessly intertwine, creating harmony between your actions and essence.

When you’ve found your purpose, your actions, decisions, and life paths seem to align effortlessly with your core values and beliefs.

It’s essential to understand that finding your purpose is a journey, so allow for adaptation, growth, and transformation. It’s natural for your purpose to evolve with you as you grow and develop, so enjoy every step along the way.

If you like to be creative, try creating a scrapbook that visually maps out all the major moments in your life—both the highs and the lows. You can add photos, tickets, snippets, and doodles. Once complete, review your journey and look for patterns or moments that feel the most fulfilling. You might even find that meditating for a few minutes helps you to reflect more mindfully. It's in these quiet reflections that hints of your purpose might whisper.

If crafting isn’t as much your thing, you can write out a vision statement for your life the same way you would for a business endeavor. Don’t hold back. Allow yourself to really dream and be creative. Finding purpose starts by allowing yourself to imagine you could do anything, so enjoy the daydreaming throughout the process.

The best place to start is finding people who share passions similar to yours, e.g., in a class, community, or online group. Surround yourself with people who also aim to find their purpose and who (gently) challenge you to grow as a person.

If you have other friends who are seeking purpose in their lives, you could consider hosting a monthly 'purpose potluck' where friends bring a dish and share stories. These could be about moments they felt most alive, their passion, or a project they're working on.

It can be helpful to explore things in life that you enjoy, even if they feel small. Sometimes just enjoying small hobbies can spark ideas for you that might lead you to a bigger purpose. Maybe you’ve always loved yoga and you find that you might love teaching yoga. Or perhaps you’ve always loved hiking and then you find out that you can lead groups of hikers on outings. Exploring what lights you up is a great way to fill your joy cup, and move towards your purpose in life.

Get a blank journal. Dedicate each page to answering profound and silly questions like, "If I were a color, what would I be and why?" or "If I had to teach something, what would it be?" Your answers might surprise you. Journaling is like conversing with your inner self, exploring your thoughts, emotions, and dreams.

Keeping a gratitude journal is more than a record of daily thank-yous. As you jot down the things you're grateful for, reflect on how each item aligns with what you truly value in life. Over time, you might notice patterns—recurring themes or passions that stand out. These patterns can be valuable clues to what drives you, what makes you feel most alive, and, potentially, what your larger purpose might be.

Finding your purpose starts with self-reflection, asking yourself hard questions about what you love, are passionate about, and what brings you fulfillment. It involves exploring different paths, trying new things, and stepping out of your comfort zone to find honest answers from within.

Consider the process like piecing together a puzzle—each represents an aspect of yourself, your interests, values, passions, and dreams. Finding your purpose is about learning, growing, and constantly evolving. And, remember, there’s no one-size-fits-all answer. It’s your unique adventure toward finding what fits your core values.

Finding your purpose can sometimes feel like searching for a needle in a haystack. It’s challenging because it’s not just about what you want to do but who you want to be. Finding your true path in life can be filled with inner adventure and self-discovery, where self-exploration can guide you to find the things that bring you joy, align with your values, and fuel your passions.

How To Train Yourself To Have Happy Thoughts

Is your glass half-empty or half-full? How you answer this age-old question about positive thinking may reflect your outlook on life, your attitude toward yourself, and whether you're optimistic or pessimistic — and it may even affect your health.

Indeed, some studies show that personality traits such as optimism and pessimism can affect many areas of your health and well-being. The positive thinking that usually comes with optimism is a key part of effective stress management. And effective stress management is associated with many health benefits. If you tend to be pessimistic, don't despair — you can learn positive thinking skills.

Positive thinking doesn't mean that you ignore life's less pleasant situations. Positive thinking just means that you approach unpleasantness in a more positive and productive way. You think the best is going to happen, not the worst.

Positive thinking often starts with self-talk. Self-talk is the endless stream of unspoken thoughts that run through your head. These automatic thoughts can be positive or negative. Some of your self-talk comes from logic and reason. Other self-talk may arise from misconceptions that you create because of lack of information or expectations due to preconceived ideas of what may happen.

If the thoughts that run through your head are mostly negative, your outlook on life is more likely pessimistic. If your thoughts are mostly positive, you're likely an optimist — someone who practices positive thinking.

Researchers continue to explore the effects of positive thinking and optimism on health. Health benefits that positive thinking may provide include:

• Increased life span
• Lower rates of depression
• Lower levels of distress and pain
• Greater resistance to illnesses
• Better psychological and physical well-being
• Better cardiovascular health and reduced risk of death from cardiovascular disease and stroke
• Reduced risk of death from cancer
• Reduced risk of death from respiratory conditions
• Reduced risk of death from infections
• Better coping skills during hardships and times of stress

It's unclear why people who engage in positive thinking experience these health benefits. One theory is that having a positive outlook enables you to cope better with stressful situations, which reduces the harmful health effects of stress on your body.

It's also thought that positive and optimistic people tend to live healthier lifestyles — they get more physical activity, follow a healthier diet, and don't smoke or drink alcohol in excess.

At first, you may not even be aware of your negative thoughts. Spend a day paying attention to your self-talk. You may be surprised by how many of your thoughts are pessimistic.

First, don’t criticize yourself for having these thoughts! Just notice your next negative thought and say to yourself, “Cancel that!” to stop the pattern. Next, reframe the negative thought by turning it around and finding something positive. For instance, instead of being irritated by traffic, spend a moment appreciating your car or the extra time to listen to music or a podcast. Rather than thinking, “I’m terrible at cooking” when a meal doesn’t turn out well, think, “Every day, I get better at cooking.”

Take time to acknowledge the good things in your life. Doing so will put you in a more positive frame of mind. A regular practice of saying or writing down three things you’re grateful for each day will help train you to look for things that make you happy. The more specific you can be, the better! Perhaps today you’ll feel grateful for your favorite sweater, your comfortable bed, and your beloved pet. Maybe tomorrow you’ll feel grateful for an inspirational teacher, the friend who’s always there for you, and the delicious dinner you cooked (because every day you get better at cooking!).

Make a quick list of five things you enjoy doing. You might be surprised to realize that you don’t often do the things you enjoy! Keep that list handy and do something that makes you happy as often as you can, whether it’s taking a walk before work, enjoying a bubble bath, or reading a book. The better you feel, the more positive thoughts you’ll notice yourself having.

It feels even better to do something nice for others than for yourself! Buy a coffee for the person in line behind you at the café, send someone a silly card, or simply text a friend and tell them how much they mean to you. By making someone else feel good, you’ll put positivity into the world and also feel good about yourself.

It’s easy to find negativity in this world. It’s OK to tune that out from time to time and find the fun. Spend time with a friend who makes you laugh, watch a funny TV show or movie, or enjoy your favorite comic on stage (live or in a recorded performance). Even remembering something funny that happened in the past can make you laugh today and improve your mood.

Basically, everything we do in life, we do it so that we can be happy.

Our actions and inactions are all geared towards achieving happiness.

But did you know that our thoughts have a huge impact on whether we feel happy or sad?

With some practice, you can actually train yourself to have happy thoughts which in turn can improve your overall happiness.

Our thoughts are mainly driven towards two lines of emotions, happiness or sadness.

And even though we all crave happiness, sometimes circumstances throw such hard punches at us that we can’t help but sink into sadness or even depression.

Perhaps you are simply exhausted from all the things happening in the world or maybe you just don’t feel quite content with where you find yourself in life.

Or you could just be having a bad day. But here is the good news. You can still be in control if you wish.

Most of us underestimate the influence we have over our own lives.

We fail to understand that we can regulate our emotions and train our brains to have happy thoughts no matter what life throws at us.

All it takes is to develop a happier mindset which will enable you to think differently from how you think now.

Boost your Happiness by Cultivating Kindness

Did you know that we’re genetically wired to be kind?

Research led by world-renowned kindness scientist and best-selling author David Hamilton reveals that kindness changes the brain, impacts the heart and immune system, and may even be an antidote to depression. He also explores how kindness has evolved in us, and that its effects are felt daily throughout our nervous systems; when we're kind, our bodies are healthiest.

It' starts with a choice.

Do you sometimes feel like you're living in a cycle of negativity? Regular challenging news updates can play a big part in how we feel, whether it’s reports of an economic downturn, a tragedy or natural disaster, or an act of senseless violence; it can leave you feeling despaired.

It's easy to become wrapped up in all the negativity and stressors of life, and forget about the good things. However, there is something you can do to break this cycle; you can choose to focus on cultivating kindness. Sounds simple, yet it’s incredibly powerful.

When you make a conscious effort to be kind to others, it can help you see the world in a different, more positive light. Not only do you help improve the lives of those around you, you also boost your own happiness in the process.

Cultivating kindness means making a conscious effort to be kind. It's about choosing to focus on the positive things in life, and taking actions that will boost happiness for yourself and others.

Cultivating kindness doesn't have to be a big, life-changing event. It can be something as simple as taking notice of the people and things in your life that make you smile, or being more patient with the people around you.

It's also important to remember that kindness is not the same as being nice. Nice people are polite and well-mannered, yet this doesn’t mean they necessarily go out of their way to help others. It’s a conscious choice to do this.

Kind people exhibit qualities such as self-compassion, and compassion and empathy for others. They want to make a difference in the world and they're willing to put in the effort to make that happen.

WHY IS KINDNESS SO IMPORTANT?

I don't know what's changed in our world over the last few decades, but it feels overall like there's more self-interest and less caring for others these days. I wonder whether it's because we're so focused on our phones, on the internet, on social media, on success, on getting ahead? There are so many people showcasing themselves and their achievements, it's everywhere....and so few mentions of kindness.

The Oxford Dictionary defines kindness as:

the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate.

and I love the idea that it encompasses friendliness and consideration of others. In this era of the "Me Generation" we can lose that all important thoughtfulness and connection as we rush through life trying to tick all the boxes to become all that we're planning to be.

A smile can change someone’s day.

Sounds too simple, right? But sometimes the simple gestures that cost you nothing to give away have the biggest impacts. Simply making it a point to smile—and encouraging your girls to do the same when the moment and mood are right for them—is an easy way to pass on a bit of kindness and friendliness in your troop meetings, on field trips, and beyond.

Use kind words. Kids learn how to speak to others and what to say by watching those around them. Make it a point to display kindness with your words. When your troop arrives at a field trip location, greet your host warmly. Use "please" and "thank you" anytime they're appropriate.

Reflect on good turns. Completing an act of kindness by doing "a good turn" is great, but to make sure the lesson sticks encourage your troop members to reflect on the impact their good turn had on someone. Make it a part of the opening of every troop meeting for girls to share one good turn and how it made someone else’s day better.

And finally, be the kindness role model your girls need. Kids mimic the behavior they see, so if you are prone to getting upset and frustrated with another volunteer or troop member and they see that, they’re more likely to react the same way. But if you are able to take a deep breath and respond in tough moments with kindness, your girls will see that as well and remember how you reacted. While you are one of many adults in their lives, you just might be the one to make this lesson stick. Practice it often!

Consciously choosing to cultivate kindness in our thoughts, words, and actions can sow the seeds of positive change, both within ourselves and in the world around us. 🌱

Kindness is a practical yet transformative force that can enrich our lives on multiple levels, from being a source of joy and fulfillment to building strong and supportive communities to acting as a beacon of inspiration that has the power to create a more compassionate and truly interconnected world.

Imagine dropping a pebble into a pond . . .

The initial splash represents a single act of kindness. As the ripples spread outward they touch distant shores, symbolizing the far-reaching effects that one small act can have.

Kindness has the potential to create a positive cascade of change, not just outwardly in the lives of those we touch but also inwardly within our own being.

This beautiful reciprocity underscores the inherent truth that when we cultivate kindness, we simultaneously create a more harmonious and interconnected world while enriching our own inner landscape.